today was the wake.. it was alright, it's weird seeing a dead body..but at the same time it's really sad. i was really dazed out today, i would tend to just stare at one spot and sorta go into my own world, and it would take me a few seconds to respond to someone if they were talking to me.. i really wanted to cry so much, it took everything inside of me not to. tomorrow, i'm sure i'm gonna cry. and i know i will be crying for the longest time, it's been a real long time since i've cried like a lot, i know that i have sooo much inside of me that just needs to come out. the thing is that i hate crying in front of people.. i don't want people to worry about me.. i don't want to be comfort by anyone.. i just feel that i need to cry on my own.. it was nice seeing family, and meeting new family/people. everyone has like babies..haha my familys huge... i feel like complete shit right now, i spent like an hour looking for my grandmas grave.. i didn't find it..but i'll see it tomorrow. i really miss my grandma, its already been like 5 years? bahh. funerals are so depressing. honestly, when i die someday, i'm gonna request the following: nobody should have to wear dark depressing colors, everyones gonna be encouraged to wear bright happy colours :D, i want lots of flowers around my coffin, and in that same room, i want some hype up techno music playing. HAPPY MUSIC. before people come see me, id want them to put a tag on them saying how they are related to me (or how i knew them) and their name. i want it to be like a party. a celebration of my life. i don't want people to be sad, which would be technically impossible to do..but..i could always try. see, i wore a yellow shirt today and my dad was bitching at me cause of it.. damn sometimes he can be an asshole. i prefer not to wear dark colors durin funerals.. it's too depressing.. meh. i hate death, it's depressing. i'm really sad right now, but i will be okay.. eventually. i sorta need to emotionally prepare myself for tomorrow..i'm doing a reading tomorrow..
i just don't want to cry while doing that.