Rigid and I have been through so much the last few years. Our relationship has been generously peppered with stupid, irritating and downright infuriating situations, the kinds of situations that would likely break many a couple. I’m not saying that he and I are made of stronger stuff than most, but...well, yeah, actually I am. He is...WE are. For most people I would think that the mere thought of traveling across the seas to meet the Xbox Live love of your life would be a good enough deterrent.

I mean, who’s actually stupid enough to leave behind a promising military career to hop across the pond for your true love living in America. Rigid is. And who’s idiotic enough to jump into the sack with another man while your soon to be ex-husband is sitting in the living room the very first day you meet. Maha is. Yeah…I’m not good with the 3^rd person self flatulation talk, but you get the idea. (Before you get any funny ideas I know it’s self flagellation…don’t you have a sense of humor anymore?) The point is, it’s insane, it’s hysterical, it’s…it’s…it’s……..it’s fucking STUPID.

Never in a million years would I EVER tell anyone, not a single one of my friends, to go for it. NEVER. Why the hell did my friends think it was such a wonderful idea? Did they think it was romantic? Sweet? Did they think it was cute? I mean, who the fuck in their right minds goes and does something like that? WHO? ME! THAT’S WHO! Oh my GOD! WHY? Was it because even my ex-husband told me to go for it? I mean, shit, if even he thought it would be great then why not huh? Why the hell not. What a piece of shit. That’s how ready he was to let me go. The fucking dick. That DICK! Pumpo, you are a major dick and that’s all I’m saying. Okay?

So, now that we have that bit of brain matter out of the way I can move on to say that despite it all, all that muck and mess, grime and goop the marriage between two sweetheart gamers has produced, I’m happy. I’m poor and more than a bit worse for wear, but I’m happy. I don’t yell and scream as much as I used to. I don’t cry, rant, rave and throw random objects at a moving target as much as I used to. In fact, I’m not taking any medication (not for the last 4 months) and I’ve even cut down on my smoking drastically. I mean DRASTICALLY…down to 2-4 sometimes none from the 10-15 per day.

Granted, I’ve gained weight, but still down 3 dress sizes and working on a plan to keep it off so…I’m sort of good.

See, I thought the end to the final chapter would be the day he received his permanent resident card, but I realized that was just the climax. When Grendel passed, (Our baby kitty, without which we would have surely been doomed.) it was the saddest time of our lives. Not even the fact that Rigid has managed to nearly demolish TWO of my cars managed to compare (Okay, ones out of comission and the other's a little denty). No way did it compare to Grendel’s death. We were devastated and have been depressed about it for months! We don’t dwell on it anymore, not as much and soon after his death we immediately started to remember the happy times we had with him. Nearly 3 years with him in fact, and they were the happiest times. They truly were. The first two years of our marriage were horrifying. More than enough to make anyone turn and run screaming for their lives, but Grendel, Grendel changed all that. I do believe he did. Now he’s gone and we miss him, but here we are on the verge of embarking on the next biggest adventure of our lives.

The rest of it.

Would have been cool if I had ended it there huh? No such luck my friends.

Just before Grendel’s passing Rigid began planning out how he would go about getting a career. Donning a newly issued permanent resident card and unearned money burning a hole in his pocket he set out on the next biggest task. Citizenship. I hope you realize that he does these things with my foot permanently lodged quite firmly up his anus of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but how does one go about attaining citizenship after having just been accepted as a permanent resident? How indeed. I mean, who can wait 5 years to apply for citizenship when you want to be a cop today? Can’t apply to the police force without citizenship and they won’t help you get it. The FBI on top of citizenship requires a degree and the CIA...meh, you could probably find a way around the degree for both if only you had citizenship. (Oh yeah, you heard right. I said the FBI & the CIA...Yes indeedy. *rolls eyes*)

Anyone ever heard of the National Guard? You too can work with the National Guard voluntarily. Earn money, learn new trades and even earn promotions. After 1 year of service, BLAMMO, citizenship here we come. Could it be that easy? I mean, really? Ugh….NO.

No, because nothing is EVER easy with us is it? NO, NADA, NEGATORY, DENIED! Why? Why, WHY is it our fate to have to work that much harder? I get it, I get that nothing worth anything is ever easy, but fuck me, are you serious? Is it really that much to ask that the next biggest superpower in all the world could possibly provide their graduates with a fucking high school diploma or valid certificate providing evidence of completion of post secondary education at some fucking god damn point in history? *gasp* Damn, run on sentences are hard. And of course, nothing, and I mean NOTHING can get done until I get it done. I spent months watching Rigid make phone calls, stay up until 1, 2 sometimes 3 in the morning to call the AQA* in the UK so he can figure out what to do. How will he get his high school certificate converted into a high school diploma? How much is this going to cost? Wouldn’t it be worth it to save time and energy and simply take the GED here? No. No because nothing is EVER easy with Rigid.

GOD DAMN IT! Still, I’m good. I’m damn good. Actually, I’m really mean. I’ll let Rigid flounder around and worry that I’m on the verge of divorcing him until he’s so frustrated that his face starts to peel and he can’t take a shit. Okay, I don’t usually let it go that far, but it has on occasion. See, he tries. He really does try; it’s just never quite good enough to get him where he wants to be. He reaches for the stars, but they’re always just a little too far out of reach, so I…just…kind of…give him a shove. You know a knee in the back, a kidney punch, foot up the arse, a slap in the face. A wake up call of sorts…that or I just do it for him. Something he worked on for three months I got done in one. Mind you, it would have only taken him 2 months to get his GED, but there you have it. Nothing is ever easy with Rigid.

It’s taken a long time to get here and I feel like I’m simply waiting around for the next biggest hurdle, but this is it. I faxed his GCSE results to **The Powers That Be and am just waiting for confirmation that it’s been received and that’s it. I’m done. I just gave Rigid a call, or rather foot up the arse, so he can verify that everything is kosher with the Sarge and find out when he can go through his medical. Once he’s done with the medical, that’s it we’re done! They’ll have him for the next 6 years of his life…my life more like it. What am I supposed to do the three months while he’s away?

{enter Michael Bolton}

Tell me how am I supposed to game without you????? Now that I’ve been gaming for so long! How am I supposed to GAME without you? And how am I supposed to game on? When all that I’ve been gamin’ for…is gone….

Holy, am I going to be the one to pay the price for his daydreaming? Hmmm? Now that his dream is coming true? *sarc* Have I just gone through the ringer the last 5 years of my life only to have my ***gamerboy dump me for a pseudo-military career and the promise of a bountiful future together? You know a house, 2.5 children, 2 new cars, retirement funds & and a sit-down lawnmower for 6.5 acres in the middle of Virginia? Holy fucking shit…someone pinch me. *crazed deranged smile* I've lived in California all my life mind you.

Someone pinch the fuck out of me and wake me up from this fucking nightmare of a life!

****Help.

* AQA are the people who give out GCSEs (General Certificate of Secondary Education) to high school grads. Of course in 1997 they weren't required to do so and Rigid was let out of school with a piece of paper brandishing some very unimpressive and practically less than average marks.

** The Powers That Be are the behind the curtains Wizard of Oz people that will take a GCSE and *PING!* convert it into a High School Diploma. Not a GED, but an actual diploma. So graduates don't have to slum around with non-graduates in the real world.

*** Get it? Gamerboy, like...Loverboy. HAHAHAHA I just did. *phff!*

****I'm just kidding Hooha. I love you. :P

Rate this Blog