When you seem to lose your way as a blogger how do you find your way back? Ever had so much to say, but not the words to say it? That's me. That's what I've been going through...
Still,... It's funny you know. Back in the day I didn't really stop to think about what I wrote. The sentences that I threw out seemed to flow right out of my brain, through my finger tips and onto my blog. Like hell if I cared about grammar let alone context. Screw it if it doesn't make any sense, I'll think about it later or so I lied to myself. Now, I can barely get a few sentences out without stopping to read, re-read and read again...as if I'm going to actually change a word of it! LMFFAO!
I guess the point is, I have no point. I am pointless. My life is pointless, my marriage is pointless, my cats are pointless, my work is pointless and my family is...well, pretty much about as pointless as you can get. Sans points, that's what I say. None. Zilch..Sin punto!
I think I'm a little depressed. Heh. Heh...It's May 3rd. Rigid passed his physical, filled out all the required paperwork, passed the background check, took his oath and got his Military ID. When asked how soon he would like to go to Basic Training he said, "Tomorrow." So he has until the end of this month. You know, the thought of being alone for 3 months was slightly daunting when contemplating it before he took the oath. After he took the oath it was a little more on the choking side. Once he had his ID it was a little more complete. Not so much a choking feeling, but a pinching one right on my chest. You know, that part of your chest that requires room for breathing in and out. Yeah, that one.
I'm finding myself sort of staring at the clock so to speak. Counting down the days. I keep telling myself not to think about it, that I'll be fine. Of course, it's hard to feel fine and strong when Rigid stops and tells everyone he sees that he's joined the Guard. Then people get this strange crestfallen look on their face, kind of like they're looking at a dead man. They look at me and say, "But...but....are you okay with this? I mean, are you okay? How do you feel about this?"
To which I say, "What do you mean? I'm doing a little jig inside. I'm going to have a great time while he's away. It's fucking party time." What the fuck do people want me to say? I feel like I'm slowly being crushed from the inside out? I push away waves of panic and anger into the back of my head and try to keep a straight face? I really want to kick him in the balls every until he ships off? What the fuck am I supposed to say? PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID! Why can't they just say, "Hey, good for you man. You're going to have a tough time, but I know you can do it. Good luck and have a nice fucking day." There...what's hard? And to me, what do you really need to say? Not much other than, "Buy some stamps."
Wow, I sit on a corner next to the bathrooms and someone just farted before they walked in to the men’s room. THAT'S FUCKING GREAT! I'm so fucking happy. LOL Hysterical. See, it's the little things in life right? Yeah, that's what it has to be.
So I thought I could do it. I thought I could be strong and not break down and so far I've broken down twice. Like kind of hard. (Not counting the little whinny ones) Last night Rigid put me to bed, tucked me in, gave me my monkey and held me for a long time. Yeah, I have a fucking monkey okay? Get over it. ...*sigh* It's a long story and no I don't suck my thumb...much. I'm kidding...mostly. You know what he told me to sooth me and calm my hysterical nerves?
"It's okay. Don't cry. You'll have lots to do on your own." *wailing in the background*
"Your an Army wife now, you have to be strong." *argh*
"It's only going to be for 3 1/2 months...Maybe 4 1/2 if I get my Ranger course." *more wailing*
"Think about it this way, it's more money for all the things we want." *ceaseless wailing*
"Hooha, if you're this distraught over 3 1/2 months what are you going to do when I'm gone for a year? *if you can imagine even louder, eye popping wailing please insert here.*
Rigid has a funny way of calming me down doesn't he? He pushes me in the wrong direction until I'm so fucking tired I just hug my monkey and fall asleep. Who thinks I'm a bit clingy! Raise your hands. :) Yay. Well, I'm okay with it. Sure I'm feeling a little broken inside, but we need the money and citizenship is just around the corner. I’m sure I’ll get used to this feeling. This vastly empty feeling…This won’t be the last time he leaves for this amount of time if not longer so I’d better start getting used to it now. Right?
It’ll be like having your friend (in this case the National Guard) yank off a really stubborn band aid. You know, the kind that rips out bits of flesh and hair. Those are painful, more like duct tape like band aids I think and always require the assistance of a faithful and patience free friend. The kind of friend that has been sitting there watching you poke at your band aid, flinching and gasping yet relishing each hair you manage to save for a total of 1.5 minutes until they can’t take it anymore and suddenly RRRRRIIIIIPPPPPPP! Off comes the band aid and hair. That’s my analogy of what it will be like to have my husband here one day and gone the next for close to 3 ½ months…maybe 4 ½ only it won’t feel like 1.5 mins it will feel more like 3 ½ - 4 ½ months. YAY. What a pointless analogy. Wow…I’m so smart. I like me. That’s all that matters right?
I wonder if he'll write to me? We've been gaming together since 2003. We've haven't spent a night apart since 2005. Now I'm supposed to get used to a letters only system. I get a phone call when he arrives and then nothing. Nothing. Can anyone, other than another army wife of course, actually conceive of this? You’re best mates on Xbox Live. You follow each other around planning the next move from game to game until the day you meet. Suddenly his friends are your friends and your friends are his friends. You’re never apart, not even when he’s in the next room playing video games because he’s playing with you. I go from that to nothing. Holy.
Some people take these sad moments in life and get more productive. Maybe they’ll take on a few more tasks to get through their day. Bury themselves in work or take charge of their sisters baby shower because she’s about to give birth at any moment. Me? No, I can’t do that. I can’t bring myself to care and I really thought I was so much stronger than that. I really honestly did. Come to find out, not so much. Not so much at all.