I've been down lately. Really, really down. Why? Your guess is probably as good as mine. All I know is... it's the worst I've been since.. well.. possibly ever.
I knew it'd be hard being away from the one I love the most, the one that stole my heart & swept me off my feet. I knew it. I was ready for it. Or.. maybe I just tried to think I was. He's so far away and it hurts now more than ever. Here I am with his child growing inside of me.. and I know he wants to be here with me just as badly if not more than I want him to be here, but I'm angry. At what? I don't know. I'm angry that he's not here. It's selfish, I know. God, why am I so selfish. He's doing everything he can right now for us, for the family we're creating. Working when he can and going to college to get a degree so he can make some nice money and have an actual career instead of just.. a job.
But I'm angry. Because he's not here holding me when I'm laying in bed crying myself to sleep at night. Because he doesn't have any idea how badly I hurt right now. He goes by what I tell him, and that right now isn't much. I've ended up pushing him away more than I ever intended, and yet he still holds on. Why? I don't know. Because he loves me, I guess. I don't deserve it. I don't know what in God's grace I did to deserve someone as amazing as him, someone who forgives me when I'm grouchy and moody towards him. Someone who tells me he's sorry when he did nothing wrong to begin with. What's he sorry for? I don't know. He always tries to fix everything. Including me and my broken self. He doesn't need to, I don't ask him to, but he loves me so he wants to.
Yet I'm angry at him. Because he's not here. God, I'm selfish. I feel like the worst person on this planet. In this entire universe, even.
I keep getting told; "Katt, don't worry. It's just pregnancy hormones. You're depressed about this & that, and it's all exaggerated right now. Once Keri is born, given some time, you'll be okay again."
I'd really, really like to believe this is true. Somehow, somewhere deep inside of me though, I feel like it's not all going to be better. I'm terrified. I know I'll be in for a real bumpy ride when it's time for postpartum to come around. The doctors are already discussing boosting me full of antidepressants as soon as Keri is born. Like.. I'm some suicidal obsessed freak that they're just waiting to catch, and when Keri's out of the medicine's harm, out of the way, they're gonna load me up with it.
God. That makes me feel even worse. I'm not suicidal. Why do I have to feel like I'm so wrong for being so upset all the time?
I think that if I were to gather all of the tears that I've cried over the past few months over things that made no sense to me at all, all the tears I've shed for no reason apparent to me other than I feel lost & helpless, the tears would fill a lake. Quite possibly the ocean....
I keep praying for some miracle. I keep begging for the strength to get through this. To stop turning all of my fear into anger. To have faith in myself. I just keep begging for some relief.
I complain about the physical pain I'm going through quite a bit, but in all reality, I'd take all of it on without all of the pain medication I've got to help me along if I could just find myself again. I'd battle all the physical pain in the world if I could just feel like me again. If I could smile & have it not be a forced one. If I could go one day.. or one night.. without just crying and crying until my eyes are all red and puffy and I can't breathe out of my nose.
I'd take all the physical pain in the world. Battling this emotional stuff right now.. it hurts worse than anyone could ever imagine.