Kattastrophe's Blogs

Do you ever just sit in the peace & quiet for a little while, in complete solitude.. and rewind your wife and think about how fast it's gone by? How fast the clocks continue to turn... how everyone around you seems to be changing so much quicker than before.. how everyone seems to be aging.. how you seem to be aging..

Perhaps it's just me...

I can't help but to think about it every time I feel my daughter kicking around in my tummy.. I just keep thinking about everything. My life.. and everything I've done wrong & how I hope she has it better than I did. Sometimes it's like someone turned on the faucet all the way and it's jammed and can't stop, the tears just flow and I know some people will say it's just hormones, it's just because I'm pregnant that I'm feeling so vulnerable & emotional, but the fact remains that I've not had an easy life at all..

I just keep thinking about all the things that have happened to me and I'm so terrified to bring my little girl into this world knowing what I've had go wrong, knowing the pain I've dealt with.. I almost feel like I'm wrong for bringing another human into this world to see the pain and all of the wrong that is going on these days. I'm scared for her, I'm scared that she may have to deal with the trials that I did growing up, and I can't sit here and say I'm totally fine, because I'm not, I'll always be scarred. There were things that happened to me that a normal person couldn't possibly comprehend.. they'd have no clue how to take it all in.

So all I can do is cry & pray that she has it better than me, and pray that I'll be a good mom to her and hope for the best for her.. have faith that she doesn't have to see what I've seen.. and I can't say that I've got any faith in anyone these days, I just don't. And I surely can't have any faith in the world now.. not after what I've seen after 9/11 and the wars that continue to happen and the terrorism.. I feel lost.

And the fact that life just continues to flash by... I feel like I've lost the past year already.. And it just keeps going faster and faster, and I want so badly to hold onto my life right now because I fear the future, I fear losing what I love - my family and friends, everything I've held dear to me that has kept me going through everything tough I've had to perservere through...

I guess it's just me.. maybe I'm alone here on this matter.. but it doesn't make me any less terrified.

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