Kattastrophe's Blogs

I've got to say, there's plenty of things I've done in my past that I'd love to erase. I've got a lot of mood problems..i.e: problems with severe anxiety attacks, depression, low self esteem... I've always had problems with being anti-social in situations with a lot of people being around at once, so I've always kind of avoided those situations; therefore there's never been a bunch of people that I've ended up hurting during some of my mood problems.

I tend to hurt the people closest to me in an attempt to push them away... I guess it's my defense mechanism. I hate it. I've said and done mean things to my mom, my best friend, my step-dad, even my fiance. Honestly, I don't understand why I try to push people away who are trying to get closer to me, and I don't think I ever will understand it.

I've noticed that ever since I corrected a major problem in my life - last April (2005) by having Gastric bypass surgery & losing nearly 200 lbs now, a lot of my attitude/behavioral problems have dramatically decreased. I can only guess that a lot of my problems with my self esteem & body image must have manifested themselves as psychological problems as a way for me to kind of... release a little tension??

The surgery hasn't fixed everything, let me assure you! Coming from a family with problems on both sides, there's no way at all to escape all of the problems! My father's diagnosed Schizophrenic, Manic depressive, Borderline and he's very narcissistic & distant with everyone around him. I suppose this is where I get my problems with trying to avoid anyone who tries to get close to me & my severe depression. (Thank God for antidepressants, they seem to keep me normal..most days lol)

My mom's got depression problems as well as Anxiety disorder. A double whammy for the depression came straight at me the day I was born, I'm guessing. I can remember being severely depressed since I was 7 years old due to traumatic childhood things that happened to me, and I've also always had very high anxiety levels. Once again, though, nothing a xanax won't cure. So my problems are pretty much non-existant most days. Sometimes, just like most females, I get emotional & teary, yeah a little bitchy with moodswings, but there's not a woman I've ever known that's not had those days once in a while!

So, back to the daily blog topic question: If I could erase one thing in my past that I've done, what would it be?

I'd have to say absolutely nothing, now that I take a good hard look at my life. I think having so many problems throughout my whole life has made me even stronger of a person today. All of the things I've persevered through & overcome, they've taught me lessons in life that could never be taught by reading about them or being told about them. Granted, I've hurt some people. I've been especially distant towards some of the people in my life that I love the most, but I've found who my true friends are & it's definitely strengthened my relationships with them as well as my family. My bouts with depression & the things I've done during times of feeling completely rock bottom have made me realize how thankful I should be to be alive & what a gift this life is. And I'm sure I've not yet met all of my trials in life.. I'm sure the road is quite far from being a straight smooth path. I'm quite positive there's still loads & loads of bumps in my way, but what I've been through has only shown me that there's nothing I can't get through. Whether it's by myself, or with the help of my family & friends. Life has definitely taken a turn for the better ;)

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Some of you, I'm sure, have already read this in Misty's blog, but I'd also like to share this with you. It's a personaliy disorder test, and I swear it's right on target for everyone I've known who's taken it. Misty & I were both quite shocked at the results of ours being 100% accurate. It's just a little something for you to do in your own personal time to maybe kind of figure out something more about yourself, perhaps something you didn't even know ^_^ So click the link below, it only takes a few minutes to finish the test & it's amazing how accurate it really is!

Thanks for reading ;) <3 Xoxo ~Katt~

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