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AnFonE's Blogs

More Thoughts.
   Something seems a little off today, I don't know what it is. It's like everything has been moved ever so slightly to one side. Something is missing, I can sense it, but not like an item or object, maybe a mood or a feeling... I don't know, but it's "urgh" that I can't work it out. It's quiet right now, which is weird, it's nearly 11am, I can't understand why I can only hear my typing and my thoughts as I think this. Sometimes I'll enjoy listening to my thoughts, other times, I'll hate it. Right now I hate it, I don't want it to be so quiet. I don't feel like listening to music, but I'll put it on anyway.
   If I Ruled The World... I love the tune, FSR are hilarious too. Actually, I've been listening to this most of the morning, maybe that's the reason. Music has been known to affect my mood drastically, I'll go for something upbeat. Big Pun. excellent stuff. Okay, the blog... so last night I was at a friends. Long after she'd gone to bed I was sat watching TV, it was uneventful, it was a case of, I'll watch anything that doesn't make me fall asleep. There was something about "young carers" on. About kids who care for their parents because of illness and such. Now generally, these kids were great, so young, and I mean 11-15, and carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. I have alot of respect for anyone who can look after someone else at any age, nevermind children. So I was listening to it whilst playing on my PSP, need more games for that by the way... and just as the end, the narrator said something about "Young Carers" developing mental problems of their own, later in life.
   I don't know if you remember a blog I wrote a while? Essentially asking if you can be aware that you have a mental problems. That sounds a little insensitive... but I can't think of any other to word it. Actually, I think I had the same problem last time. So yeah, I basically came to the conclusion that I was "damaged" because of how different I act from most. Now, I'm not claiming that caring for my aunt made me "different", I may not be "different" just a individual. But, is it possible that I'm going to be damaged from all of this?  Is this going to affect me later on in life? I'm getting a headache just thinking about it? Maybe it's the contemplation that's causes it. Maybe telling me I'mma be affected negatively is affecting me negatively now that I'm thinking about it? Where as if they hadn't said anything, I'd have been fine? I don't know. I'd like to think I'm a strong person, I've dealt with so much and come out fine... or at least I think I have, I don't know, I'm confused about all this.
   Either way, that damn comment got me into some major contemplation, about how this is all going to turn out for me, in the long run, when all is said and done. How do I know then in ten, twenty years, this whole thing isn't going to resurface and screw me up inside? Could that possibly be the difference I'm feeling? That I'm no longer confident in thinking I'm doing the right thing? I don't mind helping anyone, I'll go that extra mile, but I really don't want to sacrifice my sanity to do so... Is that selfish? Maybe it won't affect me? How will I know, brings me back to my first question. Is it possible to know when you're mentally different? Will I notice a change and then be able to stop it, what kinda change, need therapy? Mental breakdown?
   This could just be the lack of sleep. After I'm done with this I'll hit the hay and see what I'm like when I wake up. My right eye is hurting, stress? What stress? The stress that that damn program caused me? Could I sue? Do I need to bust a vain first or something? Am I just being stupid? Feels like it. I'm sure I can handle it, or is that just a misconception? That I'm a strong person, am I not really? Have I actually endured enough to think I can deal with this? Is it too late, have I got through the worst part? Would it be pointless to drop out of this right now? If I don't have my sanity, what do I got left?
   This is why I normally don't watch anything I can relate to. If it makes me think and re-assess my life, it messes me up like this. Deep-thought helps nothing. I don't know how I was expecting to come out of this, maybe knowing I did all I could until the end? This is crazy. Stupid, stupid. I know I'll be fine, why wouldn't I be? 

   That was kinda all over the place, the messed up thoughts of a possibly-messed up guy? I live across from a nursery, so I see the children playing everyday. That's all they actually seem to do, play outside. Not that I have anything wrong with that. Just everytime I leave the house, or come back, they're there, all weathers too. It's a good feeling to watch a load of little kids get along, without concern for religion, skin colour, or any other of that crap. At what age do people reach that level when all they're concerned about is themselves and their own kind? Whites and Blacks, Blacks and Whites, Christians and Muslims, Muslims and Everyone... Americans and the World... etc etc. Now, I'm not saying everyone is like that, but it's the lack of understanding that causes these crimes, wars, and outright nationalism(?)  Every school should have the same number of the people from different countries, English, American, Russian, Chinese, Iraqi, etc, same with Christians, Muslims, Jews, etc. After a couple of generations, racism, religionism would be completely abolished where-ever this took place. Young children don't hate because of differences, they just want to play and get along. Wow, unity... Hippy moment?
   I'm going to bed right now, I'm losing it.

Anthony.
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Posted at 12/17/2007 04:21 AM Leave Comment    View Comments (4)
Blog Comments
Kiss0fTheDragon
Kiss0fTheDragon said at 12/17/2007 12:00 AM Reply to this Comment
I know how you feel on the lsitening to your thoughts when you don't want to. Anything like music can remind me of something I don't wanna be reminded of and then it's stuck. And I'll have this like whole arguement with myself in my head about it. What Ifs and how abouts. Usually happens at work when I'm left by myself to get on with a job. Just wish I could just switch off the voice in my head sometimes


X Cookie 73 X
X Cookie 73 X said at 12/17/2007 12:00 AM Reply to this Comment
hmm im glad i notthe only one who speaks themselves! its frightenoing at times listening to the inner thoughts. onepoint scary to me thikning things but we learn in the end ti switch it off by doing something else. music thou yeah same for me words mean thing even thou they were never meant for me, you etc. asa parent i now how demanding it is to look after someone, but ones with mentalor something similar problems then ur taking on a lot. from what i know of you u seem a bright lad with a good head on his shoulders, who i think should ask for help if he needs it. well all the best with it-think positive ok


Phorexia
Phorexia said at 12/17/2007 12:00 AM Reply to this Comment
If anything, I reckon it'd be making you a better person for the future.


Xx Wuch xX
Xx Wuch xX said at 12/17/2007 12:00 AM Reply to this Comment
Stop thinking like this Anthony. You're doing a good thing and you'll be a better person because of it. You already are. I think too much sometimes too, but it's better for you in the end. Trust me buddy, you'll be fine.





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