I feel guilty about the way I've treated certain people in the past. The way I've acted towards someone and the way that effected friendships and relationships. I feel guilty when I'm asked to help someone and dont' feel like it, so say no. I feel guilty when my sister asks me to look after my niece for a while and I say no because I can't deal with the constant crying, even though all I want to do is spend time with her (she is only really comfortable with her mum and grandma without anyone else).
I don't feel guilt on a daily basis, it's very rarely when I'll think about any of those things. I know I've messed up, I've said and done things I'm not particularly proud off. Really though, looking deeply, there is one major thing I feel guilty about, and that's for not turning out the way everyone predicted. I was doing very well academically, I was always told I could do whatever I wanted to do, as long as I tried hard and earned it. Everyone I knew expected me to really make a success of everything I ever did. But then I messed it up with HighSchool by totally slacking off of everything, homework in particular. I always feel I let my parents down when I screwed all that up, it's a horrible feeling. I guess that's what shaped me into this, what I am now. Just someone living day to day, trying to get by without too much attention being drawn to me. I don't want that expectation hanging other my head again, not to say they put pressure on me, because they didn't, but I never really believed that I could get as far as they thought and it knocked my confidence.
I don't let things like that get me down, I'm not here to do big things, I don't want major success, or anything other than to just live comfortably. I don't want to get myself into situations where I look back and regret them, feel like I've hurt people or such, probably the reason I have no desire to drink at all. I've tried that, it was fun, but not for me. I'll get myself on track one day, I sincerely believe that, but there is always that thought at the back of my mind, "what if you don't?" and I find no way to answer that question.
I feel guilty that everyone expected so highly of me, and then when I had the chance to show them I could do it, I messed up I guess, and it's hard not to let that get to me, it's just another voice that gets supressed in the day to day goings on.
I really could've done without that, but people are always suggesting we need better topics and that was one we could all relate to and post about. So now, I'm going to tell you a short story, which is factual, stupid and funny at the same time.
One upon a time, there was a man, his name was Ernie. Now Ernie had two sons and one daughter. One of his sons decided it would be cool to steal two grand from a drug dealer. One night, Ernie was in the pub, Ernie, I feel it should be mentioned, likes to drink, more than occassionally. Anyway, so he was in the pub, when said drug dealer came in, saw Ernie and proceeded to beat the crap out of him for the actions of his son.
Since that day, Ernie has carried around a pocket knife with him, in an attempt to defend himself in case the same thing was to happen. The same Ernie, was arrested one night recently, for being Drunken Disorderly in a public place, He was charged and had to appear in court.
Yesterday was that day and Ernie set off to court. Now all the court buildings I've been too, have metal detectors at the door, incase someone decided to go loco and kill a judge. Ernie, knew this. As Ernie was walking into the building, to get his sentence, he passed through the said metal detector. As he did this, he emptied his pockets from his coat, keys, wallet, etc. Setting off the alarm as he attempted to go pass. They stopped him, told him to check again and that's when he realised he still had the knife on him, he tried to suggest that it was his belt buckle but they didn't believe him, telling him again to empty his pockets. At this moment he realised he was screwed and decided to leave, he picked up his stuff and walked out, but was quickly pulled back by the gaurds who knew something was up. They searched him and found the knife and yet again, he was arrested.
Ernie, was arrested for carrying a lethal weapon (or something) and charged. He was also charged for being drunken disorderly (again) and on top of that was charged for missing court. He phoned up my sister about five minutes after going in and told her he'd been arrested, she didn't believe him and laughed, but phoned his other son, who also laughed and didn't believe him.
Now that was a funny little tale of stupidity. Let me tell you about the other members or the family. The said brother who stole from the dealer was arrested this week also, for punching a police officer. And there sister was apprehended also, this is a little more disturbing.
I can't remember her name for the life of me, but her and this guy, we'll call "crook" knew of a guy who had been left quite a bit of money in his parents will. He was loaded essentially. "Crook" is a crackhead, and figured it would be a really good idea to rob this guy. So together, with the girl in question (who is a schizophrenic(?)) they stuck the guy up, they demanded his bank card and PIN number, to which he refused. So they "kidnapped" him, they burnt him, cut off some of his fingers and toes, cut some fat/muscle out the back of his leg and even tried to poke his eyes out, they tortured this poor guy who was no older than 20years old.
The girl eventually developed a conscience and went to the police, turned herself in and told the police what was going and where. She claimed she had only done what she was "told" to do and that she didn't dream up the idea. She is being charged with conspiracy to murder, and "Crook" is being charged with attempted murder. He's looking at 25 years and she is looking at 7.
Within' the space of a week three members had been arrested for seperate crimes and are awaiting trial and such. There is only one good guy out of the lot of them, and he is currently family-less due to them all being incarcerated.
To say I'm disgusted by these people is an understatement, and I'm glad I have nothing to do with any of them. Even though the family in question does has some "friend" ties with my family. I hope they all get what's coming to them. It truly is a disturbing world we live in.
Anyway, last night we arranged a little get together for Halo3. It didn't happen, we ended up jumping to COD4, due to lack or participation. Although not many games after we got there we had a full team in our party. If you played with me from the earlier games you'll have noticed that I seem to have a gift for Call Of Duty, High Kills, Low Deaths, always more kills than deaths, except that last game where I was two or three over, damn they messed us up. Not to be TOO arrogant, but I'd say I'm one to challenge the best Solo player on that game! Woooooooo.
So people, I'm not sure what's going on, I'm not sure when we're going to try again. Someone will have to get back to me on that so I know what's happening, and I'll be sure to keep you all informed. It would be good to get more people together, play some custom games full of our own people from this site. And also, people! damnit, get yourself known on the forums, the place is dead. We want to return it to it's former glory.
I hope y'all are having a great day/night and I'll catch you for some games in the near future.
Anthony - An-Fon-E - Anthony - AnFonE
I love these Blog Titles I come up with from time to time, GENIUS!